Wednesday, April 10, 2013

'by choice'

I'm a single mom 'by choice'. By choice is just a nice way of saying "No, there is no dead-beat father out there that is refusing to take responsibility for my child." By choice for me means I used donor sperm (anonymous). For others it can mean adoption or maybe a known donor. Basically we're older and have given up on finding someone worth marrying but still want a baby (or babies). I can't say if the giving up part is true for everyone. I don't think it was really true for me, it was less of giving up and more of realizing I never truly wanted to try in the first place. I've never been good with committed relationships, the commitment part is never a's the relationship part that I always get tangled up with. The being there for someone. Caring about them. Being a part of their life and even harder, allow them to be a part of mine.

I also don't have friends. That's not true, I have a friend, the greatest friend ever. We've been bff's for ever and ever since middle school. She lives across the country and we only talk every few months. It's great! I'd really just rather read then take the time to keep friendships going.

All this probably sounds like motherhood should be the last thing I'd want. And it was. Back when I was 19 and 20 and pretty much until 25 (yeah, same age everyone finally grows up) I swore I'd never have kids. No human babies for me. Just baby animals all the way.

I don't know exactly what changed and it wasn't overnight. By the end of a 10 year relationship (I know, sounds like a long time after all of the above. But he was almost as anti-social as me and we read all the same books) I had baby on the brain, and ovaries, and uterus. I'm still not completely  sure if the relationship started to end because I really wanted a baby or if I really wanted a baby because the relationship was starting to end. I think the former. So, almost a year after said failed relationship, on a whim, I purchased some seed and conceived first try.

Now I have a beautiful, sweet, funny 8 month old daughter.

I was made to be a mom. Not that I'm a June Cleaver (even I'm too young to really understand that reference), I still enjoy Jack when I can, sometimes I smoke my favorite mentholated cigarette, I shout expletives at other drivers, and punk rock is still my favorite. No, I was made to be a mom because the second I became pregnant all my hormones finally balanced, I became calm and happy, I felt great (never sick or heartburn or weird food cravings) and now it's even better. Now I don't go out with friends not because I'd rather read but because I can't stand to spend more time than work away from her. I can barely stand leaving her for work. I love talking to her, singing to her. I love to let her play with food, place her food covered hands on my face and hair, pull out my hair (making it come back grey), try to eat my iPhone. It's a great time and the best choice I've ever made.

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